I'm gonna be a Mommy

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If some one told me four months ago that I was going to meet someone new, someone not my type at all, and fall in love with them, I would have laughed. If they told me that not only would I love him, but that I would feel like I just discovered what true love was, I would have laughed at them some more. If they told me that I would want to be with him all the time, and that I would move in with him after only 3 months together, I would have told them that they were lying. I would have told them that they were crazy, and that they really didnt know me at all. But here I am, and in just a couple days, nate and I will have been together officially for 3 moths, and last friday we moved in together, I moved off campus and took on the responsibility of paying rent and bills and things like that. All of its worth it, just to be with him all the time, just to sleep with him every night, and see him when I wake up in the morning. Its amazing what I have gone through to get to this point, to find someone who I have this passion with, to find someone who I just cant get enough of, who makes me be myself, who pushes me to stand up for myself, and wont let me get away with anything less.
Some of you might think that I am crazy. I might be, but its crazy in love, not the bad type of crazy. I love him, and I want this to be forever. I want this to be something that never ends, and I dont see it ever ending, and that, in its self, fills a place in my heart that has been empty for far to long.
If you live in the MA NH area, and want to see the new place, leave a comment. If you just want to tell me that I am crazy, dont bother, because I am truly in love this time, and its not a re bound, its nto a habit, its something that for once feels pure and true. I know that he and I have our differinces, but every one of them is something that we can work out.


Love you so much.....

Having the worst day ever. had to deal with the police cause of harrasment that was going on at work, now two people are getting fired cause of the shit that they did to me, and said to me. had to do a police thingy, and a report for work, and then ran into one of them whilei was out with tony getting the movie. I am stressed cause of that and then things with kevin are bad, like, i dont know if he is coming back to school or not, and that is killing me on the inside, i dont know what to do about it at all.


in at brennas, she kidnapped me so that i was not alone incase i was not safe...... i dont know what iam doing

ED221.01 CLASSROOM ORGANIZATION-SECONDARY ED U 3.00 A- 11.010
IC206.02 MUSIC IN OUR WORLD U 3.00 A 12.000
IC201.08 FOUNDATIONS OF MATHEMATICS U 3.00 A 12.000
IC360.03 REASON & ROMANTICISM U 3.00 0
IC204.10 PORTFOLIO ASSESSMENT SEMINAR U 1.00 A 4.000

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

Here is something that I have realized. There is such a thing as unconditional love. You just have to be looking in the right places. There is one person who loves me despite all my flaws, and says that they dont even see them as flaws. I dont know what I did to deserve them.

Thank you.

FUCK THIS SHIT

As I smoke my cigarette,
the ideas of what I lost float through my head
The smoke floats, drifts, lifts out of my open mouth
Like words that are trapped in my chest
Circled by the slow death
Straining, begging to be seen, heard
Begging to be loved.

A few things:

*I'm going on vacation: my therapist things that it would be good if i took some time, just me and girls, to go away and do something for myself. So ladies, any takers? Where would you want to go?

*Geoffs Family: I want to thank you all for being so wonderful to me, and for me. I am so glad that I got to see you this weekend, and might take you up on just coming over and hanging out. I would miss you all otherwise

*Music Wise: I am re hooked on the five o'clock people. I love the song "sorry" and its what I am going through right now.

*Frienships: I regained an awesome frienship this week ,which had been divided over a man almost. I am so glad to have you back in my life.

*School: I have less then a week of classes left, and then I am taking finals and home for the summer.

*Work: As strange as it is, I'm almost working for Dena again, which is weird because she and I dont tend to get along when she is my boss- she wants me working at her store, which is good because they make the best tips, and i get the hours that I want. With Franny as my main mannager, I get the same thing too, so work is good. Went to Franny's wedding this weekend, kinda crashed it was Abduls "date" (not really, but you know what I mean) and it was fun. I think that I am going out to a club with him and Adam this weekend.

*Summer: right away, Julie and I are going away for the weekend, to stay with Kevin and Brian, and chill in NJ, which will be awesome.  I cant wait to spend sometime with the boys, and time with Julie is always kick ass! We are going again in August, and I just cant wait. I'm working all summer and taking it off from class, cause I really need it.

 

and I would truly do anything,

everything to silence these questions

but I'm sorry

I cant do this

and I'm sorry to make you cry

and I'm sorry

I know that its over

and I'm sorry to waste your time

I am wake at 7:30 in the morning for the third morning in a row. And for once, I dont have someone to talk to. I am suck, sitting here with my thoughts, and that hurts. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me in the past week or so, even if I have not let you in.....
*Kevin*
*julie*
*brian*
*callie*
*mikey*
*j*me*
*jaime*
*adam*
even *muhamad* *abdul* *franny* *sibley*
*tony*
*aj*

*ALLIE************* sorry sis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I realize that I am surrounded by people who want to fix this who want to heal me. I was thinking about this quote from "A lot like love" that Amanda had as her away message, that really gets to me...." cause this is your life. It does not wait for you to get back on your feet"
Now there are several ways that I can take that right now. But what I know is that I caused you pain, and that hurts more then anything. I wish that you had fought for me, but I cant change the message that it seems like everything sends. I was sitting outside talking to myself earlier *yes, I know that makes me sound crazy*, telling myself that I have to deal with my pain. I cant deal with it. I cant stand here and pretend like nothing is wrong. My life is falling apart, and I am helping all those little pieces fall to the floor. I cant eat. I cant sleep. I feel like Kelly Clarkson keeps talking to me through her music......
I almost called you last night, just to hear your voice. Because I miss you, I miss us. I cant even take cough syryp without ending up upset.




I dont know you guys. I really dont know.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

 

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found meSo, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been

 

 

I know that I said that I wouldnt do the journal entry but I lied. You saved my life yesterday and I owe you a big thanks for that. I really didnt know what to do, but then we talked, and everything seemed okay again, or at least close to it. It means a lot to me to have a friend like you in my life. I really could not ask for a better friend. Thank you so much.... and stop telling me to shut up, that I have been there for you. Cause thats what friends do- they are there for each other.

I'm barley hanging on
I waited here for you
like a kid waiting after school
so tell me how come you never showed?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
It seems so much is left unsiad
So much is left unsaid
And look at me
I'm all alone
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Cant deny it, cant pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside

I hate myself for loosing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for loosing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
aDn staring at you is why hes not here
But he's so beautifuk
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?
But do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby hold me tight


Its like I cant breathe
Its like I cant see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
Its like I cant think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
Its like Im not me
Its like I'm not me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
Its like your a gost thats haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
Its like youre a drug
Its like youre a demon I cant face down
Its like Im stuck
Its like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
Its like the only company I seek is misery all around

Seems like just yesterday
you were a part of me
i used to stand so tall
i used to be so strong
your arms around me tight
everything it felt so right
unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
now i cant breathe
no i cant sleep
im barely hanging on
cant deny it
cant pretend
just thought you were the one
And all youd ever hear me say
is how i picture me with you
thats all youd ever hear me say
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all thats left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
Cause I cant breathe
No I cant sleep
But
Theres no light at the end of the tunnle tonight
Just a bridge that Ive got to burn
Youre wrong
Its like I'm lost
Its like I;m giving up slowly

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I dont get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I;m ashamed of my life because its empty
Because of you
I'm afraid


What you sees not what you get
with you theres just no measurement
no way to tell whats real from what inst there
your eyes they sparkled
thats all changed
is it so hard
to give me what i need?
I'm looking for attention,
not another question
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
Thats all I'm asking for
Oh yeah
Well I dont expect
The world to move underneath me
But for gods sake
Could you try?
Turn my world upsaide down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
Its getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
I want a love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I want a man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
CAuse if you dont then just leave

You know you did
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
Thanks to you
Now I get, I get what I want
You need to know this situtions getting old
And now the more you talk
the less I can take

Check out how hot me and my roommate are

Check out me and the sister

I started crying tonigh, really bad. I was horrible. So I did one of the last things that maybe I should have done and called geoff. But I fucking needed a friend.....

Kevin flipped out at me, yelling at me about what a good person I am and all this stuff, and it made me feel better. Much better.

Marty called tonight, just to talk, which was nice, because it means that he ment it when he said that he wanted to be my friend and help take care of me through all of this.

I want to kill ray cause of the shit with my sister.....

I dont know you guys. I really need the comments. I really need the love. And honestly, I get pisssed cause I feel like I write about things in my life that matter here, and no one says anything. If you are worried, say something. If you love me, say something. If you hate me, go the fuck away, honestly. But for gods sake people, I need you right now.

 

What the hell am I doing? Falling apart because of some guy? How weak am I? My heart broke for sure yesterday, but I should have seen it coming, and now I am drinking and smoking and dying on the inside. The dying on the inside is normal, but how far am I going to fall?

Maybe this is for the best... maybe I am destined for something else, someone else. The sad thing is that I thought that he and I were ment to be. A part of me thought that I would marry him, a part of me thought that I would wake up next to him for forever. How could it feel that right if it was wrong? I really did think about it-- I thought that I was pregnant last month, and you have to think about that shit. You just have to. He never saw me that way though.

Here is the truth though: I took him back. I took him back when he betrayed me. I gave him my heart. I fell in love a year ago and he never did. He didnt trust me enough to give me his heart and damn it, I deserved it. God damn it, I DESERVE EVERYTHING FROM SOMEONE .

I gave time. I gave attention. I gave everything I have. I desereve the same. Why souldnt he take 20 minutes everyday to tell me that I matter. I guess that that is just toooooooooo fucking much. Whats wrong with me.... why cant I be loved?

Kevin loved me. Jay loved me. At one point Jeremy loved me. Maybe its not me that cant be loved. Maybe I've been with the wrong men that I have chosen to be with..... the wrong man that is.

I broke hearts to be with him. I walked away from getting married to be with him. I walked away. And you know what? Fuck this shit. Fuck him for doing this to me. Fuck him and his work and his incredibly high standards that I just cant fucking live up to. Fuck the things, the people, that I gave up for him. Fuck the way that this feels.

I am a strong woman. I dont think that its too much to ask for a little bit of time from the person that I love, the person who says that they love me. I dont see anything wrong with the whole idea. Two people love each other, they want to talk, they want to be around each other, they give up other things to be with the one that they love. I fucking skipped half of my week last week to be with him, and know what, I knew that something was wrong. And I had a plan for what I was going to do if he and I broke up. I knew where I was going. I was going to the one person who really is there for everything, as wrong as it might be that he is that one.

Whatever you guys, I dont fucking care anymore. It was a choice that got made, it was a choice that was a long time coming I think. And part of me feels relieved right now. Thats sick, and I know it. But I do feel that was a little. Cause I deserve to be treated like a fucking princess, and I deserve to be loved with someones whole heart. I had that once. Maybe I will find it again.

************************************************************************

 

 

I feel better since I talked to Kevin. I told him how I thought that he loved me and he called me an ass. It was nice. I feel better about that friendship now.


Now there is one more realtionship that needs my attention. But first, pub food.